So Do You Really Look Good?

By Bridgette Raes

After speaking at an event a few months ago, a woman came up to me and thanked me for a great event. She went on to say that while she found it valuable, she felt very comfortable with the way she looked and professed to needing no help in this area. Her comments caught me off guard because before the event had started, my intern, Lavita, and I targeted her as the biggest fashion nightmare in the room. After speaking with this woman, I realized that she had an incredibly warped image of her own style. Being someone who is committed to never “disrupting the flow”, as I put it, I don’t tell anyone my feelings about their image and style unless they ask for my opinion. So, I kept my feelings about the way she looked to myself. Any client who comes to work with me has to be ready for change and clearly, this woman wasn’t.

After this exchange, I thought a lot about how many of us walk around completely oblivious to the fact that we don’t look as good as we think we do. In these newsletters, I frequently say that how you feel about how you look is really important. But given what happened with this woman who felt she looked great but didn’t, I wanted to explore this idea further. How do you really know if you really look good, or if you are pointed out as a fashion nightmare by others?

There also is a big difference between dressing badly and dressing in a way that is your own style. I have encountered many women who have their own signature style. While their choices don’t necessarily reflect my style or how I would dress myself, I still can acknowledge that they look good. It’s like visiting someone’s home and recognizing that it is tastefully furnished, even it isn’t reflective of your particular style. I would be horrible at my job if I created cookie-cutter clients who all looked exactly the same. The end result with every client is always very different and unique unto themselves, so seldom do I create the same “look” with two different clients.

Now it is time to check in with yourself to see how you are doing. Here are some checkpoints that you can use to discover exactly where your personal style stands.

#1 - Do a self check

The first thing you want to do is check in with yourself. Usually those who are in the greatest need of a style overhaul are usually in such style-denial about how bad they look. They, like the woman I referenced above, will shrug this article off because they don’t think they need it. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

To those of you who are actually going to take on this challenge, first take a look at the way you dress every day and then start reflecting on things that you would like to change. What do you think your style says about you? Is it aligned with the message you are trying to send? How do you feel when you get dressed? How do you want to feel? Are there any stark contrasts that you recognize?

Granted, this first step may be counter-intuitive because if you are in style-denial you aren’t recognizing that a style isn’t working for you. But it is always best to check in and do a little self-reflection from time to time.

#2 - How do others see you?

Have you ever taken the time to see how others perceive your style? It is always valuable to get an outside perspective – you may be surprised that people’s perception of you is not as bad as you think it is. Usually, the people who think they are fashion nightmares aren’t doing such a bad job. Find different people from varying areas of your life and ask what their feelings are in regards to your image and personal style.

If you want honesty, you have to be ready to hear the good and the bad. Don’t ask unless you are ready to hear it all. You want to give your friends a safe place to tell you what they think. Defensiveness to their comments will not help the situation and you may be thwarting an opportunity to hear some valuable advice.

The reason you should ask people from different areas of your life is because you never want to take what one person says as absolute truth. Getting opinions from different areas can ensure that you are getting a good perspective on things. Like me, I am sure that you are not be the same person to everyone in your life. The woman I am with my boyfriend is very different than the woman I am with my clients. I am certainly not the same person with my clients as I am with my girlfriends or family. If I was doing this exercise I would choose someone from all these areas and ask the person I trust the most to tell me their feelings. In addition, ask people whose own style you respect.

When I was in my early twenties I was vacationing with a friend down in Virginia. Several of the women who lived in this very small country town commented on my style, being very New York City, negatively. They strongly recommended that I check out something called “Glamour Shots” which I found was a popular photography salon. They told me that I could learn how to apply makeup better and do my hair in a more flattering manner. In their own world, these women were considered well pulled together, but in their opinion, I looked appalling. To them, we were definitely from two different worlds. If I was to do this exercise today, I definitely wouldn’t ask their opinion. And I never did go and get these so-called “Glamour Shots” either.

Here are some sample questions you can ask some of the people in your life

• What do you think about my overall style?
• If you were dressing me, what would you do different?
• Do you think I have a warped sense of my own style?
• What do you think I could do better about the way I dress?
• Is there anything about my wardrobe or style that you absolutely can’t stand?
• What do you think my style is?
  

Remember: don’t ask these questions unless you are willing to accept absolute honesty. When you ask your friends their opinion, tell them that it is a safe space to say whatever they want… and mean it.

# 3- Are you in signature overload?

A woman once told me that she always adds flower accessories to every outfit she wears. She told me that her outfit isn’t complete unless she is wearing a flower detail. My comment to her was, “Having a signature style, or something about your wardrobe that is identifiable and memorable is great, but you have to watch out that you don’t become known as the ‘flower lady’.” However, my advice was probably a bit late – since then I have always referred to her as the “flower lady” and I am sure I’m not alone.

There is a fine line between becoming known for something that is consistent in your wardrobe and becoming known as the “(fill-in-the-blank) lady”.

I have mentioned that I have found my signature color: I am known for opting for brown over black. Many people know me to be dressed in chocolate brown and camel. I have a client who is known for the great funky glasses that she changes based on her outfit choice for the day. Another client of mine is known for her handbags. I don’t think I have ever seen her with the same handbag twice. Interestingly, I have never been inclined to call my glasses client the “glasses lady” or my handbag client the “handbag lady” and nobody has yet to call me the “brown lady”. So what is the difference between the three of us and “flower lady?”

First, I recommend that if you do try to find a signature statement for your wardrobe, make sure it enhances you and doesn’t become a conscious practice immersed in effort. If you are pulling an outfit together and then have to work to force your signature statement into your outfit, regardless of whether it works or not, then you are on the road to disaster.

My glasses client consciously makes her eyewear her signature style, and she chooses glasses styles that work with her overall look for the day. Her glasses are an extension of her total look and as a result, they enhance what she is wearing vs. being a glaring blemish that overshadows everything else. The same is true for my handbag client, who has a personal affinity for handbags. When she chooses a handbag, she makes sure that it compliments her overall outfit. As for myself, I choose my colors because they enhance me. I look great in brown and camel and I happen to love the sophistication of these colors. But I also wear many other colors, so if brown or black doesn’t work into the outfit, I don’t force the issue.

Always remember, the signature statement of your style that you want to become known for should always enhance your overall style. You never want to become the “flower lady” and have your signature statement overshadow you.


#4 - Has your “look” not changed with the times?

So you had a style… 10 years ago!!! Are you still hanging on to a tried and true style that you loved at one time and haven’t updated since? This style may have worked for you at one time, but now it is time to assess whether it needs some updating.

I have a theory that some people agree with and others thinks is phooey. I think that many people who get stuck in a dated style fall into the time-warp style trap because they have a need to cling to a time that they reflect on themselves positively. For example, I can go back to my home-town in New Jersey and see some of the guys I went to high school with still wearing their letterman’s jackets. And, there are girls who haven’t changed their style much since high school, and I graduated more than a decade ago. In reflection, I find it interesting that these are some of the same people who were the high school stars and whose life since has not amounted to much. This, of course, is an extreme example, and a bit nasty, but I am sure this doesn’t just happen where I grew up.

If your current style is still reflective of the “you” from high school, take a moment to see whether your style is steeped in stagnation. Are you clinging to a style that represents a great time in your life many years ago? Clinging to an old style in the present is like going into the adult pool, but still holding onto the ledge. Even though you have been taught to swim, you are afraid that you will drown if you really put yourself out there.

If this is you, it’s time to let go of the water-wings and fully embrace a new and current style. A style that changes in a healthy way is an organic process that should naturally unfold over time. I look back at my style over the past ten years and it’s never taken a dramatic change. I slowly have incorporated the new with the old as I’ve said farewell to the old items that no longer serve me. This is a healthy way of updating your style that allows for the new, and positively says farewell to the old because it flows with the cycle of life.

If you are someone who hasn’t updated your style in quite some time, you may be in need of style shock-therapy, which means taking a hard right on the road to updated style-ville.

# 5- Have you NEVER gotten a compliment?

Are you the person who never gets a compliment about what you are wearing? If you are afraid to ask others for their style-opinion of you, this could be the safe alternative to checking in with others.

I remember before starting this business I wore a lot of black. I was a NYC fashion designer, black is our uniform. The funny thing was that I would often go to work and never got a compliment on what I was wearing. But there was this girl who also wore a lot black. Her coloring was the exact opposite of mine – she had very fair skin, deep black hair and piercing dark eyes. Black suited her so well that whenever she wore it, she looked stunning, and often received compliments as a result. On me, with my fair skin, red hair and blue eyes, black just sat on me, looked very heavy and drowned out my unique coloring.

Around this time, I had been encouraged by someone to get out of black. I was practically in shock by the idea of giving up black. Then one day I decided that I was going to focus my wardrobe more on colors that are flattering on me. I started getting compliments from the first day that I made choices for my wardrobe that were a direct compliment to my coloring. People started to notice me and I started to develop more of a signature style that people remembered positively.

If you find that you get lost in the shuffle and nobody seems to notice the “you” in what you are wearing, it may be a good sign that your wardrobe is working against you rather than for you.

#6 - Is your style TOO out there?

When you get dressed, does it take someone to help you, several hours and WAY too much thought to get your outfit pulled together? Is your style drenched in effort and work? I often think about my fellow fashion design friends from The Fashion Institute of Technology. Obviously, we design majors were all about being VERY obvious with our personal style. I mean, God forbid, we looked normal. But I often wondered just how early some classmates had to get up to pull their outfits together.

Most of you aren’t current design majors, but some of you may be trying too hard to make a fashion statement which has begun to take over not only your life, but you. Intricate style takes time, and truthfully, who has the time for that? Besides, the style icons whom we all worship were always considered stylish because their style seemed effortless.

If you are someone who works hard to create a smoke-and-mirrors show with your style, ask yourself, “What am I trying to cover up?” Is there something about yourself that you aren’t totally satisfied with personally? Has your style become like the character the Wizard in the Wizard of Oz, “Ignore the woman behind the glaring outfit!!” I wonder about women who feel a need to create that smoke-and-mirror style. There’s something about that woman and her style that makes me think it’s a lack of self-confidence that she hopes her style will conceal.

As a result of this style cover-up, a woman can wind up creating a style that looks horrible on her because she isn’t coming from a place of personal enhancement or sometimes even self-love. This is not to say that all my design friends had self-confidence issues, we were just young and stupid kids being experimental. But as an adult, if you find you’re constantly trying to use your wardrobe to prove your self-worth, or to get validation that you are beautiful from others, you may be compromising yourself in the long run.

#7 - Is your clothing stealing the show?

My mother always said that my clothing should never enter a room ten minutes before I did. I have never forgotten what she said. The other phrase I have heard about this is, “You should wear your clothing and your clothing should never wear you.”

Many women are totally oblivious to just how often their clothing is a complete detraction from themselves. They wind up having no idea why nobody ever notices them, neglecting to realize that their outfit is stealing the show. In most of our lives, we are selling ourselves, not our clothing. I know that none of the brands I wear give me a commission check for wearing their stuff, so why should I give my wardrobe a harder sell than I do myself? If you look it this way, you may be encouraged to reassess whether your wardrobe is getting all the attention.

Just how do you assess what is going on? The first thing you want to do is see if what you wear compliments your coloring. When people look at you, you always want their attention to ultimately end up at your face and not get derailed by what you are wearing. If you have too much distraction in your clothing, like a bold and optic print that is too busy for your coloring, or a lot of focal points like too much jewelry, or clothing that makes too much noise, you may be giving your clothing all the attention. You may wind up becoming a silent stage that your clothing uses get the attention of others. One of the best compliments I got from one of my clients was that after working with me people started to notice her and not her clothing. Truly her wardrobe had become a supportive vehicle where she got to shine.

Ensure that you don’t have too many focal points that distract people from focusing on you. Try to have the clothing you choose compliment your coloring, and choose sound-proof clothing.

#8 - Photographic evidence

Have you ever had an egads moment when you see a photograph of yourself? I can’t tell you the number of times I am convinced that a picture of me is lying. What a wake up call a photograph can be! Instead of shrinking away from the reality of the photo, look at it like an educational piece of evidence that can give you some great pointers of what NOT to do in the future. Remember, in order to embrace who you are, you need to acknowledge who you are not, so get your style-head out of the sand and start acknowledging the bad so that you can actually do something about it.

Still in style-denial? Take some photos and ask someone whose opinion you value and whose style you admire their advice. In addition, we analyze photos for clients all the time, in particular distant clients who can’t work with us one-on-one. If you ever want an educated opinion, just send us some photos to analyze and for a small fee, we will give you our feedback.

#9- Have you ever felt misjudged or overlooked?

When I speak with new clients over the phone, one question I always ask them is if they feel they may have been overlooked or misjudged based on their image. Very often I get a very firm yes from these women. They go on to tell me about the painful experience they went through and how it affected either their confidence level, or growth in the certain areas of their life.

Are you someone who often feels misunderstood or overlooked in life? Could it be the way you dress that is throwing people off track when building their perception of you? You can argue that it is the total package which people judge, but considering that over 55% of how we are perceived by people is based on our non-verbal communication, it seems pretty clear that our visual presentation weighs heavily on how we are being judged.

Another thing to ask yourself is if you need to overcompensate in other areas because your style doesn’t support you and what you want others to “get” about you. To clarify, I once spoke with a woman who told me that she is a bit of a bulldog at work. She said that people know when she is in the room because she is such a loud mouth. Being a self-proclaimed “miracle-maker” in the workplace, she is known for getting the job done.

Because this woman and I were speaking about her image and style, I asked her if her personal style reflected her positive and slightly overbearing reputation at work. She quickly answered that it didn’t. I then pointedly asked her if she thought she wouldn’t have to work so hard to be heard and be accepted in a positive manner if her style represented what she was trying to accomplish at work. Instantly, she realized that her eagerness and bulldog-style was a direct overcompensation for her image and style not supporting her. If her style was in alignment with her particular “message”, then her job would be much easier and she wouldn’t feel as exhausted by all of her efforts of overcompensation.

If any of this is true for you, it is time to check out whether your personal style is missing the mark. When your image and style supports you, the personal effort it takes to get the job done is greatly decreased.


#10- Tweak

You’ve read this article and now you are aghast with self-realization that you are in need of a style-overhaul. Before you throw the baby out with the bathwater, breathe and realize that nobody has ever had a lasting positive change occur when they react and panic. Who has kept weight off with some crazy crash diet? So, the last thing I want to hear is that some of you read the article and lit a bonfire in your backyard to burn all of your clothes.

If this article resonated with you in some way, even in a small way, look at it from this perspective: At least now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Updating your style is never an overnight process. Take it slow and try to come up with some small things that you can incorporate, perhaps on a weekly basis. This will slowly begin to steer your ship towards more stylish shores.

(c) 2005 Bridgette Raes Style Group