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Monday, May 15, 2006

Does your tush pass?

By Bridgette Raes

In case you missed it, you might like to know what was on the cover of the April 13th’ edition of the New York Post: “The Formula” for the perfect butt. Hmm, let’s see, with a war going on in Iraq, New Orleans still in shambles and our economy in the toilet, the formula for the perfect butt certainly seems like an extremely important issue to make cover news.

On the cover was a strange mathematical equation that looked like hard algebra (S+C)x(B+F)/(T-V), and even though I was seething at the sheer existence of this article I had to read on to sees what exactly women were supposed to calculate. There it was, right on page three (page three, are you kidding?) - the entire article.

I read on and the article told me that a team of British academics who call themselves tush-ologists (and apparently have too much time on their hands) developed a mathematical formula to determine just how perfect your butt is. Here is how it works:

First, a woman assesses her assets on a scale of one to twenty. Okay, that sounds really scientific, especially considering that most women hate their bodies.

Next, a woman has to assess the shape. According to them a ripe peach is just about right. Well I guess these scientists also have a direct line to God and they got the 411 from the man upstairs that the perfect butt looks like a peach. So those of you with flat booties - stop calculating, apparently you fail.

Circularity is next to be assessed; the rounder the better, apparently. So, my saddle-bagged friends, stop calculating, apparently you fail too.

If you are still fortunate enough to be in the running, bounciness is next. Less wobble is preferred. So let’s see if I understand this, you should have a round, circular butt, however if it wobbles you are out. How can you have a round, shapely butt without a bit of wobble unless you do lunges with every step you take?

Now that we are down to the miniscule number of women who can still continue calculating whether or not their butts are perfect, firmness is the next quality assessed. According to these scientists, too much push to that cushion loses points. So make sure it is round and shaped like a peach, BUT if you can’t bounce a quarter off it too, you fail.

Lastly, calculate texture, because if you have cellulite you lose points.

I was reading this article over breakfast and practically lost my appetite. It wasn’t that I felt shame about my butt (thinking that I should stop eating just to get the unsolicited approval of these British morons) it simply made me sick to think that this article could even be considered news. Nobody is going to tell me if my body is perfect or not based on some mathematical formula.

Perhaps this article was written with a lighthearted slant but it got my blood boiling. It is time to take a stand and stop this ridiculousness. I don’t know about you, but I am totally over the idea that there is a trend in body types, an ideal of perfection that few of us can even come close to achieving. It just amazes me that women are judged on something that they can’t control; I mean, if I had a choice, do you really think I would ask for cellulite?

I don’t think that we should get all koom-bye-yah and throw a celebration for the “flaws” we think we have. Let’s face it, if we could trade certain things about our bodies, we would do it in a heartbeat. The question that always plagues me is why is there only one standard of perfection? Why do we all have to try to fit into some sort of mold that is impossible for most of us to even come close to achieving? And if there is one perfect butt, body shape or weight that we should all be, then why is there variety in the world? Either God has a sick sense of humor, or we are supposed to celebrate (not shame) our body diversity. Personally, I like to think the latter.

In the end I couldn’t care less what a bunch of British tush-ologists (who are probably men, and if any of them are women, shame on them) have to say about my butt. As far as I am concerned, the only person whose opinion I care about (other than my own) is my fiancés, and according to him, I am doing okay.

(c) 2005 Bridgette Raes Style Group

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