It’s a man’s world, but does it have to be?

By Bridgette Raes

A few months ago I received an interesting phone call from one of my few male newsletter readers. He told me how much he enjoyed reading every week and professed a real love for women’s clothing. At first I just figured that this gentleman had a passion for fashion, but as the conversation continued I learned that his passion and love was much deeper than I originally thought. During our conversation he confessed to being a cross dresser. We chatted further about his lifestyle and he continued to tell me about his love of feminine things, how he loves dressing like a woman and how great he feels when he embraces his feminine side.

While we were talking I looked down at myself in a T-shirt and worn-out jeans, and admitted that there are many times that I don’t reflect the woman in me through my wardrobe choices. As I reflected on this realization I said, “You know, what is interesting is how many women don’t dress in a feminine manner because they think they can’t dress feminine and be considered powerful at the same time. Is it possible that femininity is wasted on women?” I jokingly asked. “I mean, we have this great power that many of us seldom tap into.”

After I hung up the phone I found myself fixated on the topic that he and I discussed. How many women, I wondered, tend to curb their more female side at work in order to get ahead? Do women see it as a choice -- a choice between being more feminine or being taken seriously? Are women today conditioned to think that excelling in life means leaving the girl at the door?

I began to wonder where this conditioned thinking originated, and immediately pictured my mother as a young adult, smack dab in the middle of the women’s movement. Being raised by someone who lived through this era, I wasn’t raised “girly.” In fact, being girly in my home was frowned upon, because showing off my feminine side implied that I wasn’t going to be taken seriously, and if I did sway too far to the feminine side it was seen as giving away my power. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to my mother for teaching me independence and the value of self. But like any movement (feminism being no exception) the initial push towards a change in thinking is usually very extreme. Because of the trailblazers who were the voice of change preceding us, women today no longer have to burn their bras or dress like a man in the workplace to get ahead. Today, a woman can embrace her femininity and be the CEO of a corporation at the same time. As the saying goes, “We’ve come a long way, baby.”

But some of the old thinking still lingers. As my thoughts continued on this subject, my mind turned to the classic book “Dress For Success” by John T. Molloy. This book, which is still considered one of the most popular books for women on dressing for success, implies that for a woman, powerful dressing means you have to give up being feminine.


The more I thought about this topic the more my head began to spin, and I decided to call on my friend and motivational speaker Jennifer Macaluso for an expert opinion. Jennifer offers classes (and one-on-one private sessions) exclusively for women, offering them inspiration and life tools to create the lives they imagine for themselves. I knew that if anyone could help me make sense of things, it was Jennifer.

The first thing I asked Jen was her definition of a powerful woman. Her response was that in her opinion, a powerful woman is one who knows who she is, knows what she wants and knows how to create that life for herself. She doesn’t necessarily go along with what the world says is right or “the only way.” She thinks out of the box, flips things on their heads, and finds ways to live the life of her dreams. That is inspiring and therefore powerful, and that is what she believes all women have the capacity to do.

Next, I asked Jen the exact question that I had been asking myself: Do women in our culture see it as a trade - either being feminine or being powerful – but unable to be both? And if this is the case, why she thought that might be.

Jen couldn’t agree with my observation more. She went on to say that the majority of women in the workforce believe that in order to be powerful, they must only exude male energy. Male energy is active, it's aggressive. However, without equal amounts of female energy, male energy is too much; it's unbalanced, unnatural. Female energy is passive, which has its own kind of strength; it exerts its power through attraction, rather than activity. That type of energy is equally strong, only most women don’t stop to recognize this because we’ve all been conditioned to believe that aggressive, male energy is the only energy that works. Unfortunately, that's what’s praised in our culture too. However, personal power comes from a balance between both male & female energies. Therefore, Jen thinks that for women, it’s about redefining the feminine. Women need to ask themselves, “How can I be my true self in the work force and allow my feminine energy to equally shine through in an equally powerful way?" Women can begin to do this by simply believing something new and something different, which is that female energy is powerful too!

Jen and I also agreed that right now we live in a very patriarchal time, so I asked her, “If it is considered a “man’s world” right now, what is the best way for a woman to still embrace her femininity and get ahead while living in these more masculine times?”

Jen went on to say that for her and the women she works with, she believes it is about redefining what power is for a woman. As women, we need to redefine what power means to us, not simply imitate what it means to men! That’s what most women do. They see something that works for their male counterparts in the office and think, “Hey, that worked for him, so that must be what I need to do (to be heard, to be seen, to be taken seriously, etc.)” Still, what I believe women are missing is the creation of their own mold for what works for them in their own feminine way. If more women brought their amazing female energies to the office, I think we’d all get a lot more accomplished and it would all get done in a much more pleasant way!

Being an action girl, I then asked Jen about some steps that she teaches to her students to help them better tap into their own power as women. Jen’s reply to me was “Be who you are.” Spend enough time stepping out of this crazy fast world we live in today to step into knowing what makes you, you. As you pull yourself out of the daily bump and grind for even just a few minutes each day, in that quiet space, learn to listen to the inner voice of YOU - it knows exactly what you want. And that's extremely important in being successful at work or in any area of your life because everything starts with you! People give us back only what we ask of them; no more, no less. So when you speak with people (clients, bosses, co-workers) make sure you speak with the appropriate tone, because they will match you with that tone and give it right back. In other words, if we lack self respect, our tone will communicate that, so the response we get back will mirror that same lack of self respect. Be aware of your tone when you communicate, and set a tone that speaks the image you wish to radiate.

Jen then went on to say that the majority of history is told mainly through the eyes of men, so how accurate can that be for women? This is not to say that there is not some truth to what we are taught as women, but perhaps it’s just not our experience because we are women, and as women we experience things differently. You see, unfortunately, many women throughout recorded history haven’t been allowed to share their experiences with the mainstream, so they don’t get to create an accurate picture for other women. Today women are really able to share their experiences. Still, for a long time, most everything has been seen through the eyes of the opposite sex, but today women are out there everywhere, sharing! Brooke Shields was seen on national television on Oprah, telling millions of women about her postpartum depression. How helpful to know that even famous, successful women like Brooke have less than picture perfect experiences. Even if women have certain blinders because of what we've been exposed to, women are now in the mainstream sharing our truths, and it's inspiring to see!

Jen continued on, saying that what we are discussing here is how a lot of women may not allow themselves to be who they are because they believe being feminine is not enough. We've been raised with this unspoken notion that perhaps we're not strong enough, good enough or accomplished enough - just because we're women. My wish is that all women become more true to themselves, and step into their power. The more women can trust that being feminine is strong, the greater a reality that will become for us all, because perception creates reality. As a majority population we have the opportunity to create a new reality for ourselves here! If every woman made the choice to believe they were powerful enough just as a woman, no woman would be copying how men do things. They would be too busy putting their attention on how they want to do things in their career, their office, their field. They would trust themselves and know that they are enough. On a final note, Jen shared that it is her wish for all women to know that being feminine, and exuding femininity is powerful -- and enough!

How to put the feminine back in your style

If you are a woman who has lost the feminine touch in your wardrobe, let’s explore how you can put it back. Reviewing Jen’s words of wisdom, the first thing I realized is that flipping it upside down and changing your perception of being feminine is the first powerful change a woman can make. The truth, it seems, means starting with this knowledge inside and then learning how to dress this newly found powerful realization about what it means to be a woman. If you come from the perspective that you know that you are powerful, capable, worthy and enough, what you wear will automatically start to reflect that.


Define your own feminine

Some clients of mine are much farther along the feminine path. A dear client who is the CFO of a Hedge Fund firm fully embraces her feminine side and is a self professed girly-girl. What an inspiring and powerful combination, a girly-girl CFO! She chooses to wear more feminine colors in a professional manner and chooses silhouettes that are powerful and feminine at the same time.

However, for some women, girly-girl does not evoke feelings of feminine power. If girly-girl isn’t the first word that comes to your mind when you think of embracing your feminine power, embrace your own definition of what powerful femininity looks like.

Take it slow

For some, this change may take a little time. For myself, I know that after all my years of conditioned thinking about what a powerful woman looks like, bringing the feminine into my wardrobe is not going to be an overnight change.

This happened with another client of mine who wanted to add a more feminine look to her wardrobe in an attempt to tone down her very masculine, tailored look. Every time she would try to push herself towards a feminine style that was too extreme she felt uncomfortable, so she would quickly revert back to a more masculine look. When she hired me we began slowly, and added some tiny feminine touches to her more conservative look. We chose professional suits that were cut in a more feminine style; we added hints of softer color and chose accessories to complement her more conservative look. These were changes that she could digest slowly, without feeling uncomfortable. In time her softer, more feminine style emerged. There is no one standard for feminine dressing, so if wearing a more feminine shirt under a suit or a pair of feminine shoes makes you feel that you are embracing your female side, then you are successful.

Some quick immediate actions


Bring femininity into your look through accessorizing. Instead of the sensible (more masculine) shoes, try a more feminine shoe. Feminine shoes do not equal uncomfortable, ladies!

Try adding jewelry or a great stylish handbag or an attractive belt. These small feminine touches may be all you need.

Add an element of femininity to your wardrobe through color. Again, this does not mean that you have to wear a pink suit to the office tomorrow, but perhaps you can add a softer complementary color to your more conservative look through a color worn under your suit, your accessory choices or a great separate jacket.

Try adding a hint of your feminine power to your outfit every day, in a way that makes you feel comfortable. In time you may start to notice that there is a real shift in the way you relate to others in the workplace which feels more natural than forced, because doing it this way helps you find your own natural power within.

Lastly, I asked Jen if she had any books or authors she could recommend for further reading. Her suggestions included Marianne Williamson, Dan Brown, Natalie Angier, Patricia Lynn Reilly, Gloria Steinem, Riane Eisler, Helen Fisher & Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

If you are interested in finding more out about Jennifer Macaluso’s classes you can either scroll down to the bottom of this newsletter, or visit her site at www.somethingdifferentnyc.com

(c) 2005 Bridgette Raes Style Group

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