Fashion Conversation With My Mother
By Bridgette Raes
Let me recap a recent conversation with my mother:
My mother called me from a shoe store and excitedly started describing a lovely pair of beaded mules that she was considering buying. She explained them to me as well she could, and as I tried my best to visualize what she was relating, I told her that they sounded great. Then she told me that she was going to get them in black. I paused and said in a puzzled voice, “Wait a second mom, the shoes are black? You don’t wear black, why would you buy black shoes if you have nothing to wear with them?” After a pause my mother stopped and thought about it. She realized that I had made a valid point and that she was just about to make a fashion mistake - buying something she loved, even though it had no function in her wardrobe.
But the ridiculousness didn’t stop there.
Next she told me that in addition to black, these beaded mules came in gold. But she told me that she couldn’t think of anything to wear with gold beaded mules. So I started to offer her some suggestions. “Well Mom, you can wear gold shoes with brown” I said, since brown is her black. “But these gold shoes are so not me, should I buy them anyway?” she asked. There was a long silence on the phone while I rolled my eyes wondering if this woman had learned anything. “Mom,” I said, “if you can’t see yourself wearing these gold beaded mules with anything you own, or if they are too outlandish for your style, why in the world would you buy them?” She was relentless and started to come up with places that she could wear these shoes; out with her girlfriends, or on a date perhaps. As she was grasping at straws for places that she would actually wear these shoes (knowing darn well that she was kidding herself) she began to acknowledge that these shoes weren’t for her. “I just want to buy something different” she said.
But wait - there is more absurdity to the story.
Following this realization, my mother said “You know, I really can’t walk well in mules. Remember the last pair I bought and I practically fell down wearing them?” I just stared into the phone dumbfounded. “Mom,” I said pointedly, “let me understand something. You are asking me if you should buy a pair of shoes that you know you won’t wear, in a style that you can’t wear. Are you kidding me?”
At that point she gave up and decided not to buy the shoes.
Laugh if you will, but this is a true story. And my mother isn’t alone. I share my mother’s all too common foibles with you to illustrate a point. Why do we do this to ourselves? Clothing isn’t art; it can’t just be pretty to look at. The clothing that we buy not only has to be something that looks nice, it has to be functional. If it isn’t, we have no reason to buy it, no matter how pretty it is.
What my mother was trying to do is understandable. From what she was saying, it sounded like she was trying to break out of her fashion rut by embracing something she normally wouldn’t wear. There is nothing wrong with this; however, a common mistake that women make when they do decide to break out of a rut is to swing the pendulum so far to the other side that it winds up serving them absolutely no purpose. What happens next? I am sure many of you have experienced this with your own wardrobe - because we don’t find ourselves wearing these out-in-left field pieces, we begrudgingly go back to our old “safe” ways of dressing, thinking that we are incapable of anything other than the boring style we have been wearing all along.
If my mother’s experience is something that you are all too familiar with, here are some things you can think about the next time you are choosing something new for your wardrobe:
#1 - Does it call to you?
For me shopping is a solo sport. It is rare that I gather up my girlfriends and make it an outing. This is the case even when I shop for new eyeglasses. I remember the last time I needed new frames. I went to the store alone. My current glasses resembled a librarian style and I was looking for something different. I stumbled on some Chanel tortoise frames which were a definite departure from what I was accustomed to wearing. I vividly remember being torn between the Chanel tortoise frames and another pair, which were similar to what I had always purchased. I knew I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. At this point I had wished that I had taken a trusted friend to the store with me. I wound up asking every sales associate in the store which pair they preferred on me. Of course the opinions were mixed, which was of no help.
I wound up going with the Chanel tortoise frames and have never regretted my choice. What makes these frames different from my mom’s situation was that, even though these frames were a huge stretch for me, I still liked them very much.
The next time you are trying to leave your style comfort zone, ask yourself if you are trying too hard to make a change in your style simply for the sake of change, and not because the item calls to you. If you find that you want to buy something that is so “out there” that it feels more like an attempt to fix your current style rut than an expression of your individual style, then it may be better to leave the item at the store. Even if it is a departure for you, there still needs to be something about it that you like.
#2 - Take baby steps from what you are accustomed to
As I mentioned, we generally have a tendency to swing the pendulum too far to the other side when making lifestyle changes. Think about weight loss; oftentimes, we don’t embrace the process and slowly and healthily take off a pound or two per week. Instead, we choose some crazy fad diet that is supposed to get us to our dream weight in an unrealistic amount of time. We love instant gratification and many of us are impatient people. Sure an extreme makeover can be fun, but if you aren’t ready to embrace a large scale change it can also be detrimental.
I once had a client who wanted to incorporate femininity into her wardrobe. Before meeting with me she found herself going to the store and purchasing frilly, girly items which were a far departure from her current more tailored style. Every time she put these frilly pieces on, she felt like she was wearing someone else’s clothing, because these pieces just weren’t her— yet. This was when she hired me. I could tell immediately what she was doing wrong and encouraged her, instead, to start slowly by adding a feminine detail to her more tailored and less feminine outfits. This was a change that she could make immediately that left her feeling comfortable about a year and a half ago. She is still a client of mine and when I saw her a few weeks ago she met me at the train looking incredibly feminine. She had ditched the tough structured suits for softer skirts, her tops were feminine and she just had this elegant lady-like quality to her wardrobe. It took time for her to embrace this feminine side to her style, but because she let the process happen naturally, she eventually got comfortable with her more feminine style.
If you are someone who wants to make a departure from your current style, bite it off slowly and acclimate to the changes. Make one small change each time you go shopping. Think about scuba divers who must ascend slowly after being a hundred feet under water so their bodies can adapt to the pressure change. Try to look at making changes to your wardrobe in the same manner, and make gradual changes so that you can adapt.
#3- Never settle
Going back to the phone conversation I had with my mother, had she bought the black beaded mules that she originally found, she would have rarely worn them. They would have sat in her closet; sure she would have worn them a handful of times, each time in ways that required effort to make them work. But she didn’t buy those shoes, she didn’t settle. My mother and I spoke the next day and she shared what happened in the shoe store after we hung up the phone.
After deciding to let the beaded mules go, she continued to walk around the store determined to find something different that she liked and could see herself wearing. After rounding the corner at the shoe store she found the perfect pair. As she described them to me, she found a pair of brown and gold brocade flats that she admitted were a departure for her but one she really loved. She could instantly see how she could easily incorporate these shoes into her wardrobe and loved the way they would be an added punch to her style.
See what happens when you don’t settle? Had my mom just bought the beaded mules she didn’t love, she would have never found the pair that she did. I found it interesting too that she didn’t even think to call me back when she found the brocade flats that she ended up buying. Even though it was a departure for her, she still knew that those shoes were right for her to wear and she didn’t need any validation, not even from me.
(c) 2005 Bridgette Raes Style Group
Sign up for our weekly newsletter where we not only offer weekly style article written by Bridgette Raes, but also include Style Q&A, Upcoming events, advice from our resident "What To Do Girl", organizing, beauty and financial tips by visiting http://www.bridgetteraes.com/
Let me recap a recent conversation with my mother:
My mother called me from a shoe store and excitedly started describing a lovely pair of beaded mules that she was considering buying. She explained them to me as well she could, and as I tried my best to visualize what she was relating, I told her that they sounded great. Then she told me that she was going to get them in black. I paused and said in a puzzled voice, “Wait a second mom, the shoes are black? You don’t wear black, why would you buy black shoes if you have nothing to wear with them?” After a pause my mother stopped and thought about it. She realized that I had made a valid point and that she was just about to make a fashion mistake - buying something she loved, even though it had no function in her wardrobe.
But the ridiculousness didn’t stop there.
Next she told me that in addition to black, these beaded mules came in gold. But she told me that she couldn’t think of anything to wear with gold beaded mules. So I started to offer her some suggestions. “Well Mom, you can wear gold shoes with brown” I said, since brown is her black. “But these gold shoes are so not me, should I buy them anyway?” she asked. There was a long silence on the phone while I rolled my eyes wondering if this woman had learned anything. “Mom,” I said, “if you can’t see yourself wearing these gold beaded mules with anything you own, or if they are too outlandish for your style, why in the world would you buy them?” She was relentless and started to come up with places that she could wear these shoes; out with her girlfriends, or on a date perhaps. As she was grasping at straws for places that she would actually wear these shoes (knowing darn well that she was kidding herself) she began to acknowledge that these shoes weren’t for her. “I just want to buy something different” she said.
But wait - there is more absurdity to the story.
Following this realization, my mother said “You know, I really can’t walk well in mules. Remember the last pair I bought and I practically fell down wearing them?” I just stared into the phone dumbfounded. “Mom,” I said pointedly, “let me understand something. You are asking me if you should buy a pair of shoes that you know you won’t wear, in a style that you can’t wear. Are you kidding me?”
At that point she gave up and decided not to buy the shoes.
Laugh if you will, but this is a true story. And my mother isn’t alone. I share my mother’s all too common foibles with you to illustrate a point. Why do we do this to ourselves? Clothing isn’t art; it can’t just be pretty to look at. The clothing that we buy not only has to be something that looks nice, it has to be functional. If it isn’t, we have no reason to buy it, no matter how pretty it is.
What my mother was trying to do is understandable. From what she was saying, it sounded like she was trying to break out of her fashion rut by embracing something she normally wouldn’t wear. There is nothing wrong with this; however, a common mistake that women make when they do decide to break out of a rut is to swing the pendulum so far to the other side that it winds up serving them absolutely no purpose. What happens next? I am sure many of you have experienced this with your own wardrobe - because we don’t find ourselves wearing these out-in-left field pieces, we begrudgingly go back to our old “safe” ways of dressing, thinking that we are incapable of anything other than the boring style we have been wearing all along.
If my mother’s experience is something that you are all too familiar with, here are some things you can think about the next time you are choosing something new for your wardrobe:
#1 - Does it call to you?
For me shopping is a solo sport. It is rare that I gather up my girlfriends and make it an outing. This is the case even when I shop for new eyeglasses. I remember the last time I needed new frames. I went to the store alone. My current glasses resembled a librarian style and I was looking for something different. I stumbled on some Chanel tortoise frames which were a definite departure from what I was accustomed to wearing. I vividly remember being torn between the Chanel tortoise frames and another pair, which were similar to what I had always purchased. I knew I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. At this point I had wished that I had taken a trusted friend to the store with me. I wound up asking every sales associate in the store which pair they preferred on me. Of course the opinions were mixed, which was of no help.
I wound up going with the Chanel tortoise frames and have never regretted my choice. What makes these frames different from my mom’s situation was that, even though these frames were a huge stretch for me, I still liked them very much.
The next time you are trying to leave your style comfort zone, ask yourself if you are trying too hard to make a change in your style simply for the sake of change, and not because the item calls to you. If you find that you want to buy something that is so “out there” that it feels more like an attempt to fix your current style rut than an expression of your individual style, then it may be better to leave the item at the store. Even if it is a departure for you, there still needs to be something about it that you like.
#2 - Take baby steps from what you are accustomed to
As I mentioned, we generally have a tendency to swing the pendulum too far to the other side when making lifestyle changes. Think about weight loss; oftentimes, we don’t embrace the process and slowly and healthily take off a pound or two per week. Instead, we choose some crazy fad diet that is supposed to get us to our dream weight in an unrealistic amount of time. We love instant gratification and many of us are impatient people. Sure an extreme makeover can be fun, but if you aren’t ready to embrace a large scale change it can also be detrimental.
I once had a client who wanted to incorporate femininity into her wardrobe. Before meeting with me she found herself going to the store and purchasing frilly, girly items which were a far departure from her current more tailored style. Every time she put these frilly pieces on, she felt like she was wearing someone else’s clothing, because these pieces just weren’t her— yet. This was when she hired me. I could tell immediately what she was doing wrong and encouraged her, instead, to start slowly by adding a feminine detail to her more tailored and less feminine outfits. This was a change that she could make immediately that left her feeling comfortable about a year and a half ago. She is still a client of mine and when I saw her a few weeks ago she met me at the train looking incredibly feminine. She had ditched the tough structured suits for softer skirts, her tops were feminine and she just had this elegant lady-like quality to her wardrobe. It took time for her to embrace this feminine side to her style, but because she let the process happen naturally, she eventually got comfortable with her more feminine style.
If you are someone who wants to make a departure from your current style, bite it off slowly and acclimate to the changes. Make one small change each time you go shopping. Think about scuba divers who must ascend slowly after being a hundred feet under water so their bodies can adapt to the pressure change. Try to look at making changes to your wardrobe in the same manner, and make gradual changes so that you can adapt.
#3- Never settle
Going back to the phone conversation I had with my mother, had she bought the black beaded mules that she originally found, she would have rarely worn them. They would have sat in her closet; sure she would have worn them a handful of times, each time in ways that required effort to make them work. But she didn’t buy those shoes, she didn’t settle. My mother and I spoke the next day and she shared what happened in the shoe store after we hung up the phone.
After deciding to let the beaded mules go, she continued to walk around the store determined to find something different that she liked and could see herself wearing. After rounding the corner at the shoe store she found the perfect pair. As she described them to me, she found a pair of brown and gold brocade flats that she admitted were a departure for her but one she really loved. She could instantly see how she could easily incorporate these shoes into her wardrobe and loved the way they would be an added punch to her style.
See what happens when you don’t settle? Had my mom just bought the beaded mules she didn’t love, she would have never found the pair that she did. I found it interesting too that she didn’t even think to call me back when she found the brocade flats that she ended up buying. Even though it was a departure for her, she still knew that those shoes were right for her to wear and she didn’t need any validation, not even from me.
(c) 2005 Bridgette Raes Style Group
Sign up for our weekly newsletter where we not only offer weekly style article written by Bridgette Raes, but also include Style Q&A, Upcoming events, advice from our resident "What To Do Girl", organizing, beauty and financial tips by visiting http://www.bridgetteraes.com/
posted by Unknown @ 11:16 PM
